Why
by Alex20
Summary: After the final battle Harry struggles to find an answer to his question.


Why?  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or associated materials.  
  
A/N: All comments, criticisms will be welcome, if you specifically want to bitch and moan at me, make sure you leave an email address, just in case you actually say something worth responding to.  
  
~~  
  
I lie here, my body broken, my soul shattered, and think, 'Why?'  
  
I think about what was sacrificed, the people who died, and the families broken, all because of one man's crusade against his own father. Was it worth all those lives, just for it to come down to one last duel?  
  
The slight breeze blows across the field, the ashes of the would-be immortal scattering to the four corners of the earth. Isn't it ironic, old Tom boy and I have something in common after all, no one to mourn us when we are gone. He's gone already, and I'm probably going that way too.  
  
For over three years after Hogwarts I fought this bastard; I fought his slaves, his pets. No mercy was shown and none was asked for. I've fought my way through trolls, werewolves and other creatures of the night, Death Eaters and Darklings fell to my wrath as I pushed my way through. Once I had a moral quandary, do I become the murderer or the murdered? Then I realised, in war you had to do what you can to survive, you are defending your life and those of your brothers and sisters, your children, your parents.  
  
Yesterday, a young recruit asked me, "Why do you do it?"  
  
I looked at him, I paused in thought for a moment and answered, "Ask me when its over, ask me tomorrow."  
  
Well, tomorrow became today, the battle was fought, the war was won. In the heat of battle I saw that young recruit fall, surrounded on all sides by Darklings, he fell under a hail of curses. Looking at things now, lying here with Death knocking at the door, I reflect upon the fact that I still can't answer his question, 'why do I do it?'  
  
Lying here, I can't think of a reason why I continued to fight to the end. If you had asked me a year ago, even nine months ago, I would have had an answer. But not now, now I think my only purpose in life was that moment less than half an hour ago, the moment when Tom Riddle's soul joined the eternal void.  
  
I can hear the medi-wizard and witches moving among the bodies, trying to help those in pain, their moans of agony somehow muted in my ears. Everything seems muted now, the colours are faded and the air itself seems stale. Maybe they'll reach me in time, maybe I live to fight another day, to face the next dark lord, just maybe but right now I don't care.  
  
That question, an innocent question that almost any soldier would be able to answer, anyone with a heart and soul would be able to answer but not me. A year ago, I fought for the safety of my family, family not of my flesh but of my heart, family that abandoned me. Damn that young recruit, I thought when you die your life flashes before you but not me, no, I lie here trying to answers a dead man's question.  
  
I guess I started to loose faith in my answer when Remus and Tonks died, both fell in a blaze of glory. They died defending an orphanage that the Death Eaters were attacking, the screams of the children could be heard for miles around, in front of the orphanage stood Remus and Tonks, curses and hexes flying back and forth, drawing the line in the ground that none may pass. No one did pass, they died on that line, just as my squad arrived they fell to the ground from two killing curses, if I had only been a bit quicker maybe they would have lived.  
  
Dumbledore and Hagrid soon followed them to the void, a cowardly attack on the Three Broomsticks caused the death of my mentor and my first friend. No honour in their deaths, my only consolation was that neither felt any pain as the building was vaporised.  
  
The medics are getting closer, I can barely hear them though, the darkness is closing in. When did it get so cold? My feet feel like ice.  
  
With Remus, Tonks, Hagrid, Sirius and Dumbledore gone, my life was emptier, my soul felt each of their deaths keenly as if it happened over and over again. In time I think I would have got over it, if I had the support of my family, I would have got better.  
  
Things began to go really bad not long after that, my life was already a nightmare but soon the darkness around me was to become all enveloping. Two things happened next, two things that caused me to loose all conscious reason to fight on, but somehow I managed to fight on.  
  
The first happened when I was given two days leave of absence to recover for a serious curse injury, I used them to go see my family, to see my fiancé. Her name, her love and her spirit were what helped me through the war to that point, I hadn't heard from her in a month and needed to know she was okay, she worked in St. Mungo's as a healer for children. Ginny Weasley, my fiancé, my angel and my life.  
  
As I approached the Burrow, I could feel a tension in the air as Molly opened the door to welcome me. I could see a shimmer of tears forming in her eyes, I quicken my pace needing to know what was wrong. As I reached the door, a stern-faced Arthur replaced Molly.  
  
"Harry" he said as I stepped into the house.  
  
The tone of his voice made me pause before entering, something serious was wrong. Then I noticed a trunk with some belongings piled on top of it next to the door, then I looked closer, it was my trunk.  
  
I looked up confused, I could feel my eyes becoming watery as I choked out, "What..Why?"  
  
In that moment, I knew my world was crashing down around me.  
  
"I'm sorry, Harry, but we don't think that you'll be able to live here any more."  
  
At these words, I stumbled, grasping the door frame to steady myself, less than two years ago, Molly and Arthur begged me to move into the Burrow, now they were kicking me out.  
  
"W.W.Why? Arthur, what have I done wrong?"  
  
I could faintly hear Molly crying in the kitchen, and then I heard something else, something that once caused me to smile and almost leap with joy. The sound was coming from the living room, finding strength from deep inside I moved to look into the room, Arthur moving to try and stop me but he was frozen to the spot by my glare.  
  
As I looked in, I saw a sight forever emblazoned in my memory until I die, a sight that shattered my hope for a normal life. There rolling on the floor, in the midst of a heated embrace was my fiancé Ginny and Draco Malfoy. I stood there frozen to the spot, rage building inside me as the two of them continued cavorting around on the floor.  
  
I raised my hand, a vase on the mantelpiece exploded, the noise bringing silence and stillness to the room. Behind me Arthur and Molly looked on with something akin to fear, in front of me, the coward and the betrayer looked up at me, Ginny with horror on her face and Draco, well Draco would have probably tried to look smug if he hadn't looked like he was about to soil himself.  
  
Then I noticed it, my mother's ring, the ring I gave to Ginny as an engagement ring was hanging from a thin chain around her neck, my eyes flashed to her finger, another ring was present there, a ring I didn't give her, a ring with the Malfoy crest upon it.  
  
Ginny looked like she was about to try and say something, I waved my hand across them both, their mouths sealed shut. Alarm spread upon their faces. I reached out my hand and made a grabbing motion. The chain around Ginny's neck snapped violently, the ring floated into my opened palm. Tears were abundant in the room, even myself felt wetness upon my cheeks, although more from anger than sadness at this moment.  
  
I waved my hand again, my trunk and belongings shrunk and flew to me. I slipped them into my pocket. I turned to Ginny, I held up the ring and said, "You don't deserve to wear this ring."  
  
Then I vanished.  
  
As if the breaking of my heart wasn't enough, what I once thought of as my family began to distance themselves from me, my friends not responding to my owls, my fire calls nothing. Then the second thing happened, the one that shattered all hope of reconciliation with my friends and family.  
  
Bill died on a mission. Bill Weasley was the only one of the Weasleys and his friends who still talked to him, Harry had heard the whole story from Bill who was just as incensed as Harry by what had happened, not only Ginny's actions but everyone else, he had known nothing either until an urgent owl came from his family begging him to either return home or transfer out of Harry's unit.  
  
The mission he had died on was another involving young children, Voldemort seemed to delight in attacking children, probably because he knew the demoralising effect it had on the defenders of the light. He had been hit by a severing curse, he hadn't stood a chance as the curse sliced through his skull. Harry had lost it at that point, pure magic flowed from him as his rage took over, Darklings, Death Eaters, trolls, none of them mattered as they flew through the air, their bones shattering as the landed, death becoming a blissful release from their pain. But it didn't help Bill, he lay there dead, his eyes open, staring into the void.  
  
Maybe this is the kind of thing Bill thought about when he died, did he get a chance to think? Or was his death quick? I wonder if the medics are still here, there isn't much noise anymore.  
  
Bill had been buried at the memorial tomb for the war, my unit and I attended the quiet ceremony. Bill's wand and crest were placed in a wooden box, after the ceremony I stepped up to Mr and Mrs Weasley and presented the box to them. Taking the box in one hand, Mrs Weasley slapped me across the face, the shock of the blow hurt more than the slap itself, but the words that followed next hurt even more.  
  
"Are you happy now? Was this your revenge on us? Taking away our oldest son? Leave now, Harry" Mr Weasley had a venomous tone I hadn't heard in years in his voice.  
  
I looked round, my unit looked on in shock, the Weasley brothers looked furious, Ginny had her arms around Malfoy who looked at me smugly and Hermione just looked disappointedly at me.  
  
"I'll leave, not for you or anyone else here, but out of respect for my fallen friend, he gave his life to save a child and you demean it by claiming it as my revenge."  
  
My unit formed up around me as I left the building, the anger in me rising, someone was going to pay, and pay in blood, flesh and pain.  
  
For nine months, they paid, for nine months, I fought for the sake of fighting, I could feel the war coming to an end, but what was after it for me? Then that damned recruit that caused me to think all this asked me that question. Why?  
  
It wasn't for family, my family died or abandoned me, it wasn't for friends, my true friends were all dead or incapacitated, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Tonks, Remus were dead, McGonagall was in a permanent coma, even Snape was insane and didn't recognise me.  
  
Some of the others claimed they fought for their love, love, what a joke, all love gets you is heartbreak and pain. I thought once I fought for the love I had with Ginny, but she decided to marry a coward, her family supporting her. Just a pity that won't last, especially after my will is read, oh how their little illusions of Malfoy's redemption will be shattered when they learn the truth. Maybe I should have spoken earlier about it, maybe I should have had Bill tell them, but they betrayed me, they cast me out, they left me alone, so fucking screw them.  
  
I still don't have an answer for that question, and my only other thought just now is that I won't see the traitors' faces as their little Malfoy is taken away and sentenced to eternal torment. How sweet it would have been, to see Ginny's face as she realised who she claimed to love, how the brothers would be horrified, her parents hearts would be broken, much like mine was. How my friends would realise that the reasons she gave were petty and childish, how they turned their backs on me? Maybe my anger can get me through this, just maybe.  
  
I can't really see anything in the dark now, although I can hear someone crouch next to me. I can feel the magic scanning my body; it must be a medic. I faintly feel a hand on my forehead, the fingers coming into contact with my "famous" scar.  
  
I faintly hear the voice, "there's nothing I can do for him", despair was evident in the tone, what it for me? Or was it because some many had died today? Why should I be special?  
  
I somehow knew that this was the end for me, what purpose did the Boy-Who- Lived have beyond defeating Tom Riddle? To be a husband, a father? Don't make me laugh, all hope of that died almost a year ago. To stand against the never-ending darkness? I've been doing that for years, since before I was fully trained, I'm tired now, my soul is broken, the deaths of some many weigh upon me.  
  
I try to speak, the voice cracking as I do, the woman medic leans down to hear me, her head lifting my head slightly, "Tell, Tell his family"  
  
My voice broke up in a series of coughs, my breath was growing short, "Tell his family, I'm sorry, I don't know why I do this, but I'm sorry I couldn't answer his question."  
  
My breath grows weak, my eyesight is gone, I can feel the void calling as the medic asks me whose question, what question, her voice fading into the back ground replaced by the sound of another voice, a host of voices calling me to the void.  
  
My last breath contained the words, "No answer, no reason, I just do."  
  
With those final words, the soul of Harry Potter propelled itself into the void, welcomed by the loving souls of his parents and mentors.  
  
To this day, a small inauspicious grave marker exists in the War of Darkness memorial, on it the words,  
  
Harry James Potter  
Son of Lily and James Potter  
'No answer, no reason, I just do'  
1980-2002 


End file.
